i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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