Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
