I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This is my gift to your gina
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
