apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
