Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
