so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
