I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
