I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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