True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
