I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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