we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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