did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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