I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
