So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
