Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
