I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
