we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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