i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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