I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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