I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
