did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
