im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
