I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
