I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
