i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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