drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you win again, gameday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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