we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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