my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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