well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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