Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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