her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my shit smells like andre
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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