you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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