I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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