I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
