in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
