Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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