hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
