Do you still have your period?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am one with the molecules
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
