I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
