It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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