And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
