I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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