Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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