we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
