hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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