my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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