Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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