Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
