dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
