Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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