Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
