I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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