If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
