i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
