margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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