I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
