in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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