Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize