I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
