I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
