dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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