I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You pole danced in your parka.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
