I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
