And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
