Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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