So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
