i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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